Vampires Suck

If you even think about starting to sparkle, Ima kill you!

Reviewed by: Alicia Glass
Published on: March 30, 2022 (URL is not
Available on: Netflix
Content release date: 2010-08-18

Reviewed by Alicia Glass

Rating: 7 Oopsie Bite Marks

A spoof movie on every single last recent film to do with vampires or werewolves or both, but mainly parodying the ever-popular Twilight series.

Surprisingly, for someone who really can’t stand these newer vampire movies like Twilight and desperately wants a return to such era-jumping classics as Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I actually enjoyed this movie. Mostly. Yes, every single last scene is a spoof and has some bad joke in there somewhere, and yes sometimes the jokes drag on and on and on into mind-numbingness, but by the same token, a lot of the humor has real biting wit. You have to be enough of an old-school vampire fan to get it, and still young enough to appreciate the manner in which the humor is presented – not easy, but thankfully, I qualify.

So we have teenage Becca here, played by Jenn Proske, and this is apparently her first launch into stardom – I do hope it works out for her. Edward Sullen (see? biting wit) is played by Matt Lanter, already famous for such works as Star Wars the Clone Wars and 90210. And of course the ever-present opposite love interest werewolf, who just has to take his shirt off every five minutes (“It’s in my contract”) is Chris Riggi of Gossip Girl fame. All the stars are adorably parodied in the most flattering manner possible, from Becca’s always beautifully combed locks, to Jacob White’s rippling abs!

Unfortunately only for us true vampire lovers, Vampires Suck gets a rating of 7 Oopsie Bite Marks!