G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra

Yo, Joe? Leave off the kung-fu grip!

Reviewed by: Alicia Glass
Published on: March 16, 2022

Reviewed by Alicia Glass

Review Rating: 7

An elite military unit comprised of the best fighting men and women the world has to offer, operating under the name G.I. Joe, takes on an evil organization bent on world domination.

Right. Hollywood has actually gone beyond the desperate cry of, “Love me, oh please love me!” with this stunt. (Or so I thought, until I heard about the Smurfs movie.) Let us not forget that, come on, despite all the neat gadgetry, totally awesome-tastic special effects, and a wonderfully attractive cast, that this is a movie based off a cartoon that I watched in the morning before school when I was like eight years old. (Yes there is a comic book as well, but a great deal of people don’t remember or even know that.) Who doesn’t remember hearing, “And knowing is half the battle!” or “G.I. Joeeeee!”? But to turn it into a movie that actually expects to be taken somewhat seriously? Come on.

Basically what we have is a big naughty company MARS (Military Armaments Research Syndicate), run by McCullen, who make these destructive nanomite machines that they’re going to weaponize and take over the world with. Got that? And G.I. Joe (Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity) has to come in and save the day, with a quick quip and a kung-fu grip! Don’t kill me, the one-liners and references to the cartoon are all over the movie, you just have to laugh at it.

Those poor actors with the beautiful faces and bodies, boy do they try, they try so hard to give depth and character to the characters they’re portraying. And sadly, for the most part it fails, but through no fault of the actors. It’s the G.I. Joe movie for pete’s sake, laughter and snarky comments were probably expected when they were writing the script! Christopher Eccleston, of Dr. Who fame among many others, plays McCullen, and I thought he did a pretty good job. (I especially like what happens to him at the end of the movie, despite seeing it coming.) We have Sienna Miller as the Baroness, and yes she’s all hot and everything, but frankly they turned the Baroness character into a wuss. Rachel Nichols stars as everyones favorite badass Scarlett, and she sure lived up to the insane gotta catch that bad guy mindset. Channing Tatum, of recent Public Enemies fame, stars as pivotal character Duke, and is about the only one who manages to get away with portraying some kind of real-feeling emotion. (Shock and surprise, it’s regret.) And then we have Marlon Wayans as Ripcord, Duke’s best friend and wanna-be pilot, for the extraneous and unneeded comedic effect. He’s funny, don’t get me wrong, but the movie itself is already plenty to laugh at.

Like watching Punisher: Warzone, G.I. Joe is a raucous good time, and about as serious as a jar of peanut butter.